Waiting

I have the opportunity to work with a little girl with special needs a couple times a week and it is such a blessing. While my role is to teach her, I feel more often the case is she is teaching me something.

On Saturday she really wanted to ride the city bus. Every time we go on a walk she points to the bus stop and says in her cute little voice "I want". Well finally I said "yes" we will ride the bus on Saturday to Greenlake!

So we went to the bus stop and waited for the bus that would arrive in 5 minutes. Waiting is so hard for her, and she quickly became frustrated and emotional because in all her experiences with school buses they come pick you up right away.

In the waiting she jumped to other things that she wanted to do instead of riding the bus. She told me she wanted to walk or read or do anything but wait for the bus. But then the moment we did the other thing she wanted, she remembered how deeply she wanted to ride the bus and cried for the bus. I tried so hard to get to the bus stop right before it would get there but around 6x we tried and failed because she would not wait. I tried to explain how the city buses work, how they come on a schedule and pick you up at certain places. But she had tunnel vision for the promised bus ride and the waiting was painful. Luckily on our last attempt to catch the bus it came within minutes. We rode the bus and the lift and she loved it. She was so delighted. We arrived at Greenlake and the journey was worth the wait.

What I learned was I am so much like her. I don't want to wait for the things that God has promised me. I jump to other worldly things that I want, but deep down I want to see God's faithfulness, it is far better. And I do not understand God's Kingdom a lot of the time. I do not understand why young people die, why their is so much loneliness in this world and so much heartbreak, and waiting amidst the pain is something I frequently choose to avoid. But this weekend I have felt inspired to wait. If my friend can do it, I believe I can too and that it will be worth it.

Work around your abyss (Henri Nouwen)

Henri Nouwen speaks of a deep hole in our being, like an abyss of our loneliness and hurt. And we must slowly work around it until it closes. He says

"Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal."

I typically live in those two extremes. I am either completely overwhelmed by my sadness or to avoid that feeling, I tend to fill my time and thoughts with busyness. But as I am allowing Jesus to hold me, I am able to know he can sustain me and care for my emptiness and fears. And I have faith he will be able to heal me.

I long to be like the Centurion man in Luke 7 who had so much faith in Jesus that he ran out to him in the road and said "say the word, and let my servant be healed." He believed Jesus had the authority and power to heal his servant.

Lord give me the hope to run out to you and put my faith in you.

And also thanks for the joy of my husband who is waiting for me to join him in watching Shrek on this lovely Sunday night.

Psalm 62:11-12

So I am trying to be disciplined and to daily do things that I value such as exercise, spending time in the Word, and I just decided to add onto it blogging. But I mostly want to blog to invite others into my journey. I love reading my friends' blogs, especially those who live further away to know what is going on in their lives, and so I thought I should open up my life to others as well, and maybe that will bring with it accountability.

Over the last few weeks I have felt it on my heart to make my verse for this year/school year to be Psalm 62:11-12.

One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you. O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

I have been in a funk for quite a while now. Mostly what I journal about is loss; the loss of my community in Tucson by moving, loss of my little buddy Zac, and loss of my grandmother. And I have felt so devastated in my loss that I realized I have slowly pushed God further away. I realized this morning that it is because it is so hard to really be affected by the loss and open up my heart to God. I am deeply afraid he is not big enough to hold it all, to hold me, my anger at him, and my sadness. I am afraid he will leave because my emotions are too much. So many men in my life have left because my emotions are too much.

While I processing this verse came to mind. I felt him saying, "Coleen, I am strong, and I am loving." Two big truths to hold onto. I long for these truths to be my foundation.

I also am reading through Luke and today I read in the Message, Luke 6: 20-21

You're blessed when you've lost it all.
God's kingdom is there for the finding.

You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry.
Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.

You're blessed when the tears flow freely,
Joy comes with the morning.


Jesus says I am blessed. Blessed are those who mourn. I am blessed. Another big truth to hold onto today. And also there will be much joy in the morning. Hope.