Two things I long to be are brave and genuine. I feel God asking me to hold both of these and allow him to work them into me through obedience.
The opposite of being brave and genuine is being fearful and fake. Wow, I am often more fearful and fake than brave and genuine. I also feel to be genuine you need to know who you are. I used to know so firmly. Then deep sorrow and loss has entered my life. And I resisted processing because of my anger at God. And in that I have been fake, and not lived into who I truly am.
Today I was hanging out with high schoolers with special needs and I felt memories of my little buddy who passed away last year and my heart ached for him and his family. I remembered these beautiful memories of reading Puppies in the Snow, labeling body parts, teaching him to go potty in the toilet. I dreamed about him the other day and it was so real I forgot the reality of his loss.
This memory reminds me of my desire to push God away, but also a memory that shows me more of who God is and I am. God loved the little guy. God loves me loving him. God loves me being brave and genuine in facing the loss and brokenness of this world. People should not die. Sitting in the pain and devastation of loss is being both brave and genuine and it further shapes me into the woman of maturity that God wants me to be.
What a gift life is. What a gift children with special needs are to me. I see a joy in them that I see no where else. But to engage the joy, I now have to engage the loss. My call is to be brave and genuine.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
What if I am not like Mount Zion?
Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever. Psalm 125: 1
This passage caused a visceral gut response of "Really God?"
I am afraid. I am afraid if I loose heart (which I often do) I will not become a beautiful strong mountain. It is funny. I feel so broken often I feel more like a puddle. But God says because I trust in him I am like a mountain.
What if "strength" and "enduring forever", and "not being shaken" looks different than what I think it does. What if vulnerability and longing are where I become strong. I am still so fearful. Afraid to say what I mean, afraid to truly be known by God and others. Because what if I am rejected, would I still be strong? Not shakable?
I find I hold tightly to my longings and I don't allow them to be known, because what if I never have them? I would be weak, right?
But maybe, just maybe I would find my strength and identity in a God who can hear my longings, hold them, and offer me strength. He can hold me firm. He will not allow my identity to be shaken by this world.
I am a mountain. I am strong. I am able to hold deep loss and grief and deep joy and hope. I am unshakable. Yes, yes, let this be true of me, and true for us all.
which cannot be shaken but endures forever. Psalm 125: 1
This passage caused a visceral gut response of "Really God?"
I am afraid. I am afraid if I loose heart (which I often do) I will not become a beautiful strong mountain. It is funny. I feel so broken often I feel more like a puddle. But God says because I trust in him I am like a mountain.
What if "strength" and "enduring forever", and "not being shaken" looks different than what I think it does. What if vulnerability and longing are where I become strong. I am still so fearful. Afraid to say what I mean, afraid to truly be known by God and others. Because what if I am rejected, would I still be strong? Not shakable?
I find I hold tightly to my longings and I don't allow them to be known, because what if I never have them? I would be weak, right?
But maybe, just maybe I would find my strength and identity in a God who can hear my longings, hold them, and offer me strength. He can hold me firm. He will not allow my identity to be shaken by this world.
I am a mountain. I am strong. I am able to hold deep loss and grief and deep joy and hope. I am unshakable. Yes, yes, let this be true of me, and true for us all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)